One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
