At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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