I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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