I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
