And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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