suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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