the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
