i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
