Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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