y did u give ur computer a hand job?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
