Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
