I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
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