Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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