Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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