I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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