i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
