I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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