She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
