I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
