Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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