Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
