So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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