today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
