I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
