you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
