He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
