Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
