Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
