Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
