Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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