Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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