Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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