I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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