if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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