I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
