They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
