I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
