watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
