So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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