My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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