dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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