if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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