i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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