She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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