i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
