Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
