He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
We had sex on a dog bed..
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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