Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
