so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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