A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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