but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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