they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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