Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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