Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
