Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
