How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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