hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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