maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
