Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
